This is an idea I've had for some time, but never got around to actually write until now. I figured it was finally time to get it out of my system, so here it is.
STUPID CUPID
February 14th, 2005
The Mall
It's a day we all have to face, whether we like it or not. Some say that they're prepared for it, since we all know it's coming. If they're lucky, they do their best to make sure they won't be lonely, or at least they hope someone will be thoughtful enough to send flowers. Still, it doesn't change the fact that most people associate this day with pain and misery, no matter how many pretty words people try to wrap around it. Plain and simple, Valentine's Day is a f**king nightmare. Especially at a place like this.
George paced through the mall, sickened by all the balloons, shop decorations and other objects that were shaped like or emblazoned with hearts. At least she could ignore them to an extent by focusing on where she was going. When it came to the music being played through the speakers, however, it was a lot more difficult. “Strangers in The Night”, “Love Me Tender”, “Everybody's Got a Hungry Heart”, just to mention a few. Nothing but cringeworthy love songs echoing mercilessly through the area, one after the other.
So why am I here? Not on my own free will, that's for damn sure. I was led here by a Post-It, probably another dowser that's gonna send me knee-deep into a s**tstorm. Otherwise, I would've spent this Valentine's Day like all the others before: away from it. Or should I say, away from them.
What was even worse than the hearts and the music in the mall, was the people. Or to be more precise, the people celebrating it. Enjoying it. Buying it, whether it was literally in the form of flowers, chocolate and other gifts or figuratively by expressing their feelings for a loved one. Even though it wasn't much worse than a few couples holding hands, hugging or sharing an occasional kiss, it played out in George's mind as an obnoxious orgy of insane make out sessions and cutesy words being tossed around.
At least I can look at the bright side. Someone's gonna die in here. Still, I feel tempted to throw something at the next person who says...
“I love you, Andy Hall”, a woman said to her boyfriend, as they just passed by George.
”Wow...”, said the boyfriend, clearly taken by surprise.
Good for you, A. Hall, George thought while she looked at her Post-It. You got to spend the last day of your life with someone who loves you. Wait, “a-hall”? Mason would have a great giggle out of that one.
George carefully snuck up on the couple, ready to reap the man. It was at that moment she noticed a straw from a juice box hanging from the woman's long hair. While she found it a bit odd, she saw it as a chance to do her reap. She pulled out the little plastic straw, which inevitably caught the attention of both her and Andy.
“Sorry, you got this in your hair”, said George, holding up the straw in an explanatory manner.
“Weird”, said Andy's girlfriend. “Thanks.”
“You're welcome”, said George, first tapping the girlfriend's shoulder, and then Andy's, reaping him. “Have a nice V-Day.” V-Day. Ugh.
“Wish I could”, Andy said under his breath, which his girlfriend could barely hear.
“What?”, she said.
“Nothing”, he said.
“Sometimes a successful reap requires that you grasp for straws”, George chuckled quietly to herself. I can't believe that stupid pun just came out of my mouth.
George turned around, ready to leave, when she was approached by a strange man. Strange, in the sense she didn't know him, but also because something about him seemed odd. It was a similar feeling like if she would spot another reaper, yet much different.
“Excuse me”, he asked George, “Did that straw get stuck in that girl's hair?”
Why the f**k would anyone care about that? George managed to keep that thought to herself as she answered: “Uh... Yeah. Why?”
“That was my arrow.”
“Your... arrow?”, George asked, puzzled.
“Yeah, like the ones you shoot”, the stranger clarified.
“You threw it at her on purpose, is that what you're saying?”
“Of course, that's my job, just like it's yours to reap people's souls.”
Whoa. George got speechless, unsure of how to respond.
“It's okay, I know about reapers”, the man explained. “We have a few things in common, you could say.”
George tried to figure out what he meant. Immediately, something that first seemed ridiculous came into her mind, until she realized there was no other option to think of.
“You're... Cupid?”
“A cupid”, the man corrected.
Cupids. Another reason to hate Valentine's Day.
“A cupid?” Even when it had been confirmed, George had trouble grasping it. “You're a f**king cupid?!”
“As much as you're a f**king reaper”, the cupid said sardonically. “I'm Stu, by the way.”
Stu. A perfectly good reason to hate cupids.
“I'm George”, replied George automatically, still trying to process what she just had learned. “So, whenever someone is falling in love, there's one of you nearby, throwing stuff at them?”
“Yeah”, Stu the cupid nodded. “We pick up a small object, like in this case, a straw, and then discretely throw it at that person. If we'd been using actual bows and arrows, we'd probably need one of you standing by.”
“So love literally hurts, huh?”, said George.
“No, on the contrary”, the cupid argued. “Love is a beautiful thing. It's what binds us together and makes life worth living.”
“You can actually say that with a straight face?”, George asked, somewhat put off by the cupid's sentimental attitude.
“Why not?”, said Stu. “It's true, I experience that every day. Too bad you don't.”
“Excuse me?”, said George, unsure about if she should be offended.
“Truth to be told, I don't envy you reapers very much”, Stu continued. “I mean, every single day you need to show up so that a person can die properly. You're pretty much the garbage men of human souls.”
“You know what they say”, George said, trying not to grind her teeth. “It's a dirty work, but somebody's gotta do it.”
“I thought you would say something like that”, Stu snorted.
I wonder if all cupids have their heads this far up their asses?
Stu began to stroll through the mall. George was compelled to carry on their discussion a little longer, so she walked with him.
“Hey, what's the rush?”, she asked.
“Oh, I'm not in a rush at all. I'm just enjoying the scenery. Smelling the roses and all that. You don't have to keep me company, I know that's not really your thing.”
“That's the thing, you don't know s**t about me, Stu.” George was keeping something of a calm tone, still her voice carried a small quiver of anger. “I don't know how many reapers you've met, but there's a good reason we usually scratch the 'grim' part.”
“Grim or not, a reaper is still a reaper”, Stu shrugged.
“And I guess a cupid is still a cupid, huh?! How would you like if someone talked to you like that?”
Stu then switched from his nonchalant, condescending manner to being as hostile as George. Even though he didn't make a big scene, the mood got a lot more aggressive between the two.
“You know, I wouldn't mind it a damn bit. I'm proud of what I'm doing. Thanks to me, people get married, they have kids, they have long, happy lives. It's not my fault you'll never get a chance to experience that.”
George leaned forward and stared into Stu's eyes.
“F**k. You.”
She then turned around and started to walk away. She was so outraged that she forgot she had to keep an eye out for her reap.
“What do you mean you don't love me?!”, a woman's shrieked out
George turned to the scream and realized it was the same couple she had run into before her argument with Stu.
“I... I just don't love you, Amy”, Andy said. “We've only been dating for a few weeks, it usually takes longer before you...”
“You're cheating on me, aren't you?! Of course, how could I have been so stupid? That's why you've been gone all those late nights.”
“I've told you, I've been working night shifts at the 7-Eleven!”, Andy tried to explain. “Excuse me for trying to save up enough money for Comic-Con!”
“You're lying!”, the furious girlfriend roared. “I just know it! I can't believe I thought you were any different!”
“Well, I can't believe I've spent seven weeks with such a paranoid bitch!”
Amy lost her mind completely, pushing Andy forcefully. He lost his balance and fell backwards. Had he landed a couple of feet farther back, he would've simply been soaked by the water in the wishing well. Instead, a graveling grabbing him by the ankle made sure he hit the back of his head in the hard stone brim, snapping his neck.
“Andy?”, Amy gasped.
“We are so broken up right now”, Andy said angrily.
“You most certainly are”, said George.
“Andy!!”, Amy cried while she was shaking her boyfriend by the shoulders without getting a response.
People gathered around, horrified and saddened by the accident. One of them was Stu, astonished by what had happened.
“What was it you said, Stuey?”, George called out to Stu. “Happy, long lives?”
“Hey, I'm right here!”, Andy's soul complained.
Stu glanced back at George and her freshly reaped soul, looking like his whole world had just fallen apart. His irritatingly proud posture changed, as he hunched and walked away, like he had been defeated in some sort of a game.
I know I shouldn't have rubbed it in his face, but he hit a nerve. Although, I'm afraid that's exactly what I just did.
George then turned to Andy.
“Let's go. You've got a ride to catch, and it's not the Tunnel of Love.”
“I've always hated Valentine's Day”, Andy grunted.
“Tell me about it”,
While Amy was apprehended by mall security and handed over to the police, George showed Andy to his lights, outside of a comic book store where he walked into a giant comic book panel and disappeared. She had planned to go as soon as she was finished, but something made her stay. She felt like she had to make up for what she had done to Stu, yet she was very conflicted about it. He was the one who had been insulting her with his superior attitude in the first place. But did it matter which one owed the other an apology? She was looking at Stu, sitting at an indoor bistro, when another man came up to her. Something about him reminded her of Rube, almost like they were brothers. At the same time she had the same feeling as when she met Stu.
“I see you've met Stu”, he stated shortly.
“Let me guess”, said George. “You're co-cupids or whatever you call it.”
“I'm his team leader”, the other cupid answered. “I'm William.”
“Tell me, William, is it my fault that he's like that?”
“Yes, and no”, William stated. “On one hand, you've just met him, so you walked in late into this. But on the other hand, cupids and reapers hardly mix. We're like the afterlife versions of cats and dogs.”
“So you're undead too”, George nodded. “That's what I thought.”
“Exactly”, William confirmed. “And the truth is, we cupids usually are very jealous of you.”
“Jealous?”, said George, confused. “Of us? The garbage men of human souls?”
“Well, if I put it like this... Haven't you noticed how so many reapers don't have any lives before they die?”
“Christ, not you too”, George sighed.
“No, no, I didn't mean it like that”, William assured. “What I'm trying to say is that while a reaper dies after an incomplete life, a cupid dies with a broken heart.”
“So that's got to do with him being so...”, George started.
“Full of it?”, said William, finishing the sentence. “Yeah. It happens to a lot of cupids this time of year. It's a defense mechanism. It's actually hard not to be that way. No matter if we see a person meet the love of their life or have their heart tarnished, it reminds us of what we've lost or never even had. And in Stu's case, this was particularly hard for him.”
“How come?”
“He proposed to a woman he was in love with. She said 'no', and told him she didn't love him. So he sat down in a full bathtub with a radio in his hands.”
“And I just gloated when he saw a guy get killed by a girl that loved him too much.” George was now even more overwhelmed with guilt. “S**t...”
“Well, sometimes the prettiest flowers grow out of the biggest piles of s**t”, said William.
George then got an idea.
“Is there a flower shop somewhere?”, she asked William.
“There's an info board over there”, said William and pointed to a large map.
George hurried to the board and looked for a florist. When she spotted one on the map, she headed for it. A couple of minutes later, Stu was still sitting at his table with a double espresso that he still hadn't finished. Suddenly, a flower was held in front of him.
“It's a pink lily”, said George.
Reluctantly at first, Stu received the gift and smelled it carefully.
“I should've known you were going to reap one of those people. Actually, I think I did, I just didn't want to realize it.”
“Months ago, I was doing a reap at a farmer's market”, said George. “There was an explosion and a lot of people died. It reminded me of my own death. I was in a very bad place the rest of that day.” I'm pretty sure a cupid was involved in it, but this isn't really the time to bring it up.
“In a way, being a cupid is kind of like being a florist”, said Stu. “People get flowers from us, but we never get any ourselves. Thank you, George.”
“Happy...”, said George, before she stopped herself. “Have a nice day.”
Later that afternoon,
Der Waffle Haus
“How have you been?”, asked George as she approached the table.
“It's f**king Valentine's Day”, Roxy moaned. “I had to arrest some lovesick asshole serenading outside a lady's window. And the lady's husband.”
“That is so romantic”, Daisy sighed. “He didn't even care that he was going to get beaten up.”
“You know, Daisy”, said George. “I'm really happy you're not a cupid.”
“Oh, you've met one of those”, Rube noted. “How was it?”
“Very depressing”, George replied.
“Yeah, figures”, Rube commented.
“I can't stand cupids”, Roxy stated. “F**king arrow-tossers.”
“I like the female ones”, said Mason. “They're so cute and flirty. At least until they know you're a reaper.”
George looked up and saw a quarter hurling through the air. She watched it while it was twisting and turning, almost in slow motion.
Ronnie. Brennan. Trip. A scientist would probably blame the pheromones stirring around in my brain. Hell, a psychiatrist could write a book about what was going through my head. Either way, now I know that some people were just doing their jobs to make that happen. I don't know if I'll ever meet anyone of those again or if we'll get along. But obviously we're not that different.
The coin hit the back of a guy's head as he had just gotten up from his seat. Caught off guard by the impact, he turned around and faced a girl. They both got quiet for a second.
”Hi”, he said.
”Hi”, she said.
They remained quite once more, while the guy pulled out a small twig sticking out the top of the girl's hair. They smiled shyly at each other.
”I wonder how they're gonna end up”, George wondered.
”Great, there's cupids at Der Waffle Haus”, Rube grumbled.
”Check please!”, Roxy shouted.
THE END
